fiction

The Confused Conqueror – Nonsense 1

Nonsense 1

 

Bar “Sitting on a stump”

Every story in the history of the universe has the ability to become great,especially when there aren’t any witnesses left, to be recalled.

The Confussed Conqueror

    My new friend – The Confussed Conqueror hadn’t been to a bar ever since he cosmocrashed on the Dizzy Planet. Having that in mind I decided that it’s more than mandatory for me to take him to bar “Sitting on a stump”, but before I did so, I told him a story about an incident that happened during one of the many meanwhiles in my life.

Bar “Sitting on a stump” is the most stumped up bar I’ve ever been to. It is located on one of the very few and lots of  insensible, nameless hills on our dizzyful planet. I often spend my days there even though I rarely am there on the days when I’m not there. I must tell you that this bar is not much different from any other bar. It has it’s regular customers, one bartender devoted to his work, a lot of booze, no food and last but not least – a living mascot- the teetering, dusty, old, raggy-looking, sack of bones – the tom cat unusually named – Hungry Begger. No one remembers the cat’s original colour, but 64% of the cats on the planet are reddish so we decided to add him to their color group. We, dizzlings, think that every tom cat with such magnificent privilege – “bar mascot” should have it’s own official, authentic color. Hungry has always had this exceptional tallent. On the most misfortunate for any cat place, in the most misfortunate moment, he can catly plop without even thinking and loll exactly in the middle if the most unwisely chosen spot. That way Begger often gets cursed at, steped on, or hit with heavy objects.

Тhe other day – before the day before it was cold and dark – а good reason for any dizziling to drag himself over to Bar “Sitting on a stump”, to order Coctail “Bye Blue Mood” and get into a weird unconstrained conversation with a few pie-eyed strangers. While I was sitting in the corner of the bar table , chatting with my good old friend Sipp Madeira – son of the magnificent Tempranio, I overheard bits of an interesting, absolutely full of interestingness,conversation from the table next to us. Three unusual adherents of good port wine, misterios historic events and cheap raincoats, loudly argued on the very significant event in our history -
“Who came up with the idea of the bar and how was it built?” This is a subject  that interests every newcomer to “Bar Sitting on a stump”.
I approched the three strangers and got acquainted with them. They turned out to be good old men. Seizmos Shaker  was a former resident of the Groundquake planet. He was it’s seismologist but after the planet disintegrated, he’s become forcibly retired and has come to our planet to live through the remainder of his life without any shakexperience whatsoever.
Albedo Accretionado used to be a cleaner of the universe. His proffesion was one of the very few and many unique professions known to the universe before it seized to exist. His job was to clean the universe from dense unwanted matter  by every cosmic object. He also absorbed and radiated light, so that it can be always in motion. Universelings believed that this way  it doesn’t weight on the universe. While he was still active it used to be known to universelings that photons don’t have mass. Since his retirement, that statement has become very controversial, almost out of control. Thanks to Albedo, the space was pure and spaceful until the Universal Council decided that every one left out in space, wheather or not he absorbs potetial waste, has the potential to become waste himself, and therefore there is no need to have such profession.
Albedo had a little distortion due to his many years of working as a cleaner of the universe. He was able to absorb the indoor ilumination eliminating all of the energy sources. Whenever he was worked up a bit, he started to distort the absorb/radiate correlation laws and it was  quite dangerous to be around him. Puansur Distance was an ufologist.

 

*****

The Confused Conqueror – Begining

Nonsense 0

The Confused Conqueror cosmocrashes


   It was dark… I can’t tell you exactly when and it’s not really of any importance…

Anyways, I can assure you that I have never seen such dense darkness  piled up in one place in our unlimited space… Here on our small but very big Dizzy Planet, we often get days like this. You may go ahead and think it’s a night but it’s actually not. And we also have nights so bright, that you would think it’s a lovely starry day…

So in this day-like, confusing darkness I decided to play my most favorite game of all… Since I’m usually alone and often by myself, a long but certainly not that long ago – way, way back in my youth, I decided to make  up a game. I called it “NHCNT” which stands for: “not here, certainly not there”. The idealistic idea of the game is to hide from yourself. After you have done that you start looking and searching. I’ve mastered this game so well over the years that I surprise myself when I can’t find me. Then I go  home, and think where I could be, and admire my astonishing ableful ability to hide so well from myself.

In the darkness I mentioned way above and little bellow, I was playing this game. I hid myself so well from me that I had to search for me for hours and hours. I had no idea of the absolute noideaful notion where I was. I grubbed under every puffed up greenish thicket in the timbered or not so timbered outback. I also dug under the garden next to the nothingness, because I started thinking that I could have buried myself. Dizzilings often intend to have this tendency to bury themselves or others alive. I got really worried that I could have intercepted this inimical habit from them.

While I was digging and looking around I stumbled on the drake-Hissing Stepаside, who is always homeless because he hisses at everyone. If someone stares at him, he can become somewhat aggressive, but there have been no complaints from Hissing attacks over the last couple of hundred years. After I moved on, out of nowhere I came upon the cosmomigrating hedgehogs – Prick n’ Prickle- our dizzy troubadours. When the wind starts blowing, they play wonderful melodies with their pricks. P n’ P are quite touchy when it comes down to art and artificiality, so I suggest you don’t prickle with them on those two subjects. They also believe that music is the ultimate universal language of all universes and that you can make it anywhere with anything just as long as you really want to do that. Well, I stopped digging right after I realized that obviously I wasn’t anywhere under the ground and I started walking around headed nowhere. Suddenly, I heard a tremendous crash, which was more like  a full of noise sound. A really bright light blinded me and I wasn’t able to see at all for a couple of moments. I stood still. Not long after the quiet silence had gone away I heard some rustle and I shouted right at it:

“Who’s there?”

“Just me!”  some voice answered…

“Me who?”

“Me somebody…”

“You are me? Show yourself, so I can take a good look at you!”

Someone showed himself…

This someone looked astonishing. He was slender, tall with a very noble and yet mysterious countenance. He had a jester’s hat with three glowing ends that gently shone upon his face. The face was white and there was a black star drawn around his right eye. He was wearing a navy blue costume with white and yellow stars. His shoes had little wings that fluttered so fast that allowed him to float in the air just a couple of inches off the ground in our spatial spatiality eliminating the laws of gravity.

“So this is what I look like now!? I found me, I found me!!!.” I shouted and I started noting the notable distinctions from my previous me out loud: ” Hmm, interesting I have absolutely nothing in common with the “me” before I disappeared from myself.”

“Wait a minute …You think that I am you and you are me?”

“Well you just said it yourself…”

“I think you are overwhelmingly mistaken… I am me and you are you and until this conversation we have never seen each other and we have never had anything in common…”

“But… If you are not me and I’m not you…Where am I? “

” If you allow me to lay out my observation… I think you are exactly where you are…”

“Oh, finally… Thank you for helping me find myself…”

“It was nothing, you’re welcome…”

I was very disappointed that this new Me wasn’t really me and I had found myself again… But on the other hand, this other Me looked marvelous and I just couldn’t keep myself from trying to get to know him and ask him with all my curious curiosity intact  who he was and how he ended up so far in the nowhere…

“Where are you from? What is your name? Are you a cosmocrasher?”  I started throwing all those questions at him without realizing that I had started asking  all the impulsive banal questions that every dizziling on our planet would ask. To my absolute amazement this Me without any indication of irritation or disturbance answered me quite satisfactory.


“I come from one small universal nowhere. In the universal places I have visited they call me The Confused Conqueror, even though I am hardly confused and I have never conquered anything in my life… I am usually nobody for no one because I don’t stay long enough anywhere to become somebody for some one. I cosmocrashed a couple of very periodic moments ago and I realized that I would be staying here for a while. You see… my umbrella has gotten into a row with my fluttering shoes and they don’t intend to get along soon. Haven’t you seen an umbrella that wants to go with the flow and shoes that want to go towards their striving? The irresolutions in moments such as this one become irresolutable. I will stay here until… some day. And may I ask  what  your name is and what you have been up to till the current Now.”

“I am one nameless stranger. I come from nowhere and I am headed towards nowhere. I’m staying here because it’s strange enough for me. I am dazed by the dizziness here and I often analyze everything. When someone is dazed it becomes really easy for him to understand the dizzy reality that surrounds him. Long ago I cosmocrashed here too, just like you but in a completely different way…”

Finally I decided to dispel the silence which had come back again, and I said…

“If you are going to stay here, you will need to have a place to go to.’ I know the perfect place for you, it’s close to my house. Follow me”

Suddenly the conqueror disappeared…

“Conqeror, where are you?” I started to shout, but all I heard was the hissing hassle from Hissing Stepaside in reply.

“Conqueror! Conqueror!” I shouted again.

“I am here!”

He finally replied out of nowhere.

“I am invisible now. Do you always have to see me in order to know that I am here? I think this will be extremely prosaic and absolutely unnecessary. Every universeling knows that it is nice not being noticed when you don’t feel comfortable enough but it’s always nice to be present. That way no one interrupts the process of your own  comprehension, all they see is the final result and say, Oh, how easy it is to comprehend!”

I tried to assimilate everything that was happening to me while I was walking by myself and yet with somebody else.

“This is it. We arrived!” I said.

“We’ve been walking all day and all night. No one’s lived here for ages but I’m sure that you will appreciate it’s comfort.”

“Who was the last tenant?” asked the conqueror.

“A very lonely, young boy.”

“Why lonely?”

“Because he believed that it’s much better to be young and distrustful than old and disappointed.”

“What happened to him?”

“He grew old.”

“And then?” “Well, he disappointed himself and left.”

The Confused Conqueror became visible. He looked down towards his fluttering shoes, looked at the place I offered him, then  looked up at the stars and said:

“All the struggles, choices and believes are lurking from the  dense darkness where we all lose ourselves in the end. After all if we devote our own existence and personal significance to them, we become invisible and disappointed forever… It’s almost sunrise, dear nameless stranger. Good morning to you, I’m very pleased to have  met you.’

“Good morning.The pleasure was all mine.” I replied as I turned around and went into the opposite house , which I rather call my home.

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